The Journey's End
by cesmith
Summary: Chapter 3: Truly alone, Hakkai faces his past, present and future. This story takes place 50 years after the events in Who I Have Been I Am Not Now and 10 years before A Death Well Earned. Warnings: Character Death, swearing, attempted suicide.
1. Chapter 1

Series: Saiyuki

Title: The Journey's End

Author: cesmith

Betas: Thanks go to both narrizan and Me-Nuriko. Each of them found glaring errors that I had missed. This story is better because of you.

Rating: T Warnings: Character Death, swearing, attempted suicide.

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all of its characters were created by Kazuya Minekura. They belong to her and were used without prior permission. No profit is made through this story.

A/N: This story takes place 50 years after the events in Who I Have Been; I Am Not Now and 10 years before A Death Well Earned.

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Chapter one – An Unexpected Visitor

The sharp rap on the door startled Hakkai, the book he had been reading before he had dozed off dropped from his half numb fingers, making a dull thudding sound as it struck the floor. Wincing at the pain in his back as he bent over to pick it up, he was surprised at the slight tremor in his hands. Yes, he had definitely overdone it earlier that morning. He could almost hear Gojyo's voice admonishing him for using too much of his life force when he healed someone.

A smile graced Hakkai's face at the memory, still so fresh. Nearly fifty years after Gojyo's death, Hakkai could finally remember Gojyo without the overly painful tightening in his chest. Hakkai could even smile at the memories of the antics his two 'young friends' had pulled. At seventy-two Hakkai now thought of them that way, as his young friends. It was funny how age and time healed such painful wounds and changed ones perspective.

Another rap on the door, louder and more insistent, shook Hakkai from his thoughts. Placing the book onto his reading table, Hakkai stood up a little too hastily, his arm quickly grabbing the arm of the chair to brace himself as his knees buckled under his weight. Yes, Gojyo would certainly have admonished him for overusing his ki.

Knowing it was going to take a few minutes to get his legs to cooperate, Hakkai called out, "Who's there?" He expected to hear the plaintiff wail from one of his students needing extra tutoring or the frantic voice of a parent begging him to help heal an injured child. Most of the villagers turned to Hakkai first before seeking out the village's doctor, turning to the doctor only when antibiotics or operations were needed. Hakkai received everyone else, turning no one away.

"Who the hell do you think it would be at this hour?" Even through the door Hakkai could hear the irritation in Sanzo's voice, but Hakkai was uncertain if it was because Sanzo was being made to wait, or at what he considered a stupid question.

'This hour?' Hakkai thought, only then noticing how dark his little house was. Not just a short nap this time he realized. He had been asleep for several hours. Yes, he really could just imagine Gojyo's lecture. The older Hakkai got, the more often Gojyo's voice served as his conscience.

'Shhh,' Hakkai told the voice. 'I'll be more careful next time,' he promised it, knowing this to be a lie.

Cautiously Hakkai made his way across the room using assorted pieces of furniture to maintain his balance. Switching on the ceiling light Hakkai fixed a pleasant smile on his face and swiftly opened the door.

"Hello Sanzo," he said. "I can think of several people besides you who would be knocking on my door at this hour. Please do come in."

"You look like shit," Sanzo said as he stepped inside the small cottage. Sanzo examined Hakkai's gaunt frame. Hakkai was dressed as he usually was. Shortly after the end of their journey Hakkai had traded in his Chinese shirt for a simple stretch shirt and vest. His khakis had been replaced by plain black jeans. In the last few years he had allowed his dark hair, now heavily streaked with white, to grow longer and the bandana had been replaced by a ponytail. Sanzo often wondered if Hakkai had unconsciously started to dress as the cockroach had as a way of still feeling connected to his friend. But Sanzo had never asked. "Not my business," he had told himself. The truth, if he had been honest with himself, and with Hakkai, was that he really didn't want to open painful wounds for Hakkai by bringing the topic up. Besides, he too had missed the idiot and the stupid monkey and talking about them was painful for him too.

"Either you're not eating enough or you overdid a healing today."

Hakkai chuckled. "You certainly know me too well Sanzo. One of my students was badly injured. It took quite a bit of ki and time to insure his survival. As for eating, I do eat adequately. The parents of my students can't really afford much in the way of money but they supply me with plenty of vegetables and grains and the occasional bit of meat. My needs are simple and I really do have all I want."

Sanzo knew there was no sense in arguing with Hakkai over it. It was an old disagreement, one they would never resolve.

Hakkai in turn looked over his friend. He wished he could say that Sanzo looked poorly too, but he couldn't. Age and a desk job had added some much needed weight to Sanzo's excessively thin build, making him look healthy. Sanzo's hair, long like Hakkai's, was also pulled back into a ponytail, but was untouched by grey. It shone as blond today as it had fifty years ago. For as much as Sanzo abused his body with alcohol and cigarettes, he looked forty-three instead of seventy-three. The only things to give away Sanzo's real age were a few lines on his face and the slow and careful way he often moved. From personal experience, Hakkai knew that all of their old injuries and breaks hurt regularly.

"You're looking quite well, Sanzo." Hakkai said. "Come on in, sit down and I'll make you some coffee."

"None of that instant stuff," Sanzo grumbled to Hakkai's back as he started to leave the room to go into the kitchen. "That stuff tastes worse than shit."

"Yes, yes," Hakkai said, turning around to address Sanzo. "You say the same thing every visit. I can't even remember the last time I served you instant. I will have it ready in a few minutes and after that you can tell me the reason for your visit."

Left on his own, Sanzo slowly looked around the living room. It was the same as it had been for the last twenty years. Two over-stuffed reading chairs faced each other, an end table next to each of them. In front of the chairs, the fireplace had been lit earlier to take the chill out of the fall night, but the fire had burned down till only a few glowing embers remained. A small dining table was placed against the wall. It was rarely used for eating; more often than not Hakkai used it for tutoring students. Neatly stacked piles of papers, waiting to be corrected, occupied a small section of the tabletop. The remainder of the wall space was taken up by bookshelves. In one corner of the room, Hakkai had set up an altar. Pictures of Gojyo and Goku rested there. A small candle, still burning, and a half used stick of incense rested on the table. Hakkai had paid his respects today.

Sanzo settled in one of the overstuffed chairs just as Hakkai returned with Sanzo's coffee and a cup to tea for himself.

Wincing slightly as he sat, Hakkai took a sip of his tea and finally asked, "It's not that you aren't welcome here Sanzo, but to what do I owe this visit?"

Sanzo sipped his coffee. "It's an official visit. After all, I am supposed to keep tabs on you for the Three Aspects, and it's been much too long since I did."

"It hasn't been that long," Hakkai said with a sigh. "It's only been about two weeks since your last visit and that was your excuse then. Is it really so hard after all these years to admit you are here to visit an old friend?"

"Tch," Sanzo said. "Now who knows who too well," he grudgingly admitted. "The fools at the temple are driving me crazy. They tried to take away my cigarettes last week and they've been pressing me to name a successor. They insist on this toad of a priest, trying to point out all the "valuable" things he does to show how much he deserves the title. The man is worthless and the officials would be able to manipulate him easily. I couldn't pass the sutras on to him."

"Who would you chose then? Is there anyone?" Hakkai asked.

Sanzo shifted in his chair and put his empty cup on the end table. "If I had to, it would be Hikaru. He's certainly less annoying than most of the others and he's strong enough physically and mentally to protect the sutras."

"Sounds to me like you've made your decision," Hakkai said thoughtfully. "From what I have observed of Hikaru over the years, he is an excellent choice. What's stopping you from naming him?"

"I guess," Sanzo said slowly, searching for the right words, "I guess I am hesitant to sentence anyone to the type of life I have lived, to the isolation the title of Sanzo brings to a person's life."

"You sound like you regret your life, Sanzo," Hakkai said sadly.

"Didn't we all? Don't the two of us still? Does a day go by that you don't miss Gojyo and Goku? Each time I visit I see the incense you've burned at their shrine, the scent faintly lingering in the air."

"Yes, I miss them," Hakkai said softly. "Every minute of every day I remind myself of what I have lost. But I also have hope now, something I never thought I would have again. If you think Hikaru would make a good Sanzo, speak with him and name him your successor. Let him choose his own way and allow him to deal with the burden of the Sanzo title as he sees fit."

Sanzo nodded his head in agreement. "Somehow I figured you would say that," Sanzo said with one of his rare smiles.

Seeing Sanzo's cup was empty, Hakkai asked, "More coffee Sanzo?"

"No, I think it's time for me to head back to the temple. I have a few plans to put into motion as soon as I arrive."

"Such a short visit at such a late hour. You really should spend the night and get an early start back in the morning."

"Hikaru drove me here. He should be back for me soon. I sent him out to get me some cigarettes since the Elders confiscated all my other packs."

"Ahh. I thought you said they only tried to confiscate them, not that they had succeeded. I had wondered why you hadn't tried to light one up," Hakkai said with a laugh. "I guess that explains it."

Sanzo just glowered at him. "You do know I still carry my gun. I can just as easily shoot you as I can ignore you."

"My, my, Sanzo, there's no need to threaten violence," Hakkai said in mock terror. "I truly wish you would spend the night, but I really do understand your determination to get things started. Next week I will come to the temple to visit so you won't have to make this journey again."

"Fine," Sanzo said. "We'll play a few rounds of mahjong when you come. I should have a lot of free time by the end of next week and I don't think I've ever found the occasion to teach Hikaru to play yet."

"Next week at the temple it will be, Sanzo." Hakkai said and as if on cue there was a gentle tapping on the door signaling Hikaru's return and Sanzo's exit.

5


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two -

Slowly the pounding noise crept into Hakkai's consciousness, the dream of an exploding village fading into the reality of the incessant thudding. In the other room a plate fell to the floor, the sound of breaking glass barely audible over the frenzied knocking. In between knocks, Hakkai could hear his name being frantically called out.

"Hikaru?" Hakkai thought, surprised, and then quickly called out, "I'm coming."

Hastily Hakkai threw on his clothes and hurried through his house to open a now mercifully silent door. In front of him stood the young man he had grown rather fond of over the last several years. He was clearly upset, his eyes full of sorrow, his face pale. Hikaru was no longer dressed in his simple monk's clothes, but in a Sanzo's outfit, the chakra on his forehead was the official mark of his new status. Around his shoulders lay the Maten Sutra.

"Sanzo?" Hakkai asked.

"He's collapsed," Hikaru said, "and he's asking for you."

'No time to leave a note,' Hakkai thought as he grabbed his coat, turned off the lights, shut his front door and then followed Hikaru down the pathway toward the road. 'The village will be fine without you,' he told himself, but he still felt a stab of guilt as he remembered he had a healing the next day. 'There are plenty of people to take over your jobs and the Dr. will be more than adequate to heal the boy," he reminded himself. 'You can't save everyone, and even if you could, Sanzo has top priority.'

"I'll drive," he told Hikaru. "You look exhausted."

Hakkai started the car and carefully navigated the narrow streets near his house. Once he was on a more open section of highway he asked the questions whose answers he dreaded to know.

"When?" Hakkai asked.

"Yesterday morning," Hikaru said. "Master Sanzo has been under pressure from the Elders to name Hotaka as his successor. He called me into his room and informed me of his decision to name me as the next Sanzo. Then he told me to be strong and as he placed the sutra on my shoulders he told me that my new life's job was to protect the Maten Sutra. After that he walked out of the room before I could say anything."

"That sounds like Sanzo, making decisions concerning other's lives without consulting them. When we spoke about this, I can't believe it was only five days ago, I suggested he speak to you first."

"What's done is done," Hikaru said, "and I have accepted the position with honor. I have chosen the name of Kouryuu out of respect for my master."

"That is quite a tribute to Sanzo," Hakkai said with a brief nod of his head. He was impressed by Hikaru's devotion to his faith, and his obvious attachment to Sanzo.

"What was Sanzo's condition when you left?" Hakkai asked.

"He was conscious but in considerable pain. He wouldn't permit the doctor to look at him and his only request to me was to bring you to his side. The Elders tried to insist that I allow one of the other monks to come and get you since it would be beneath a Sanzo's dignity to run a simple errand, but Master Sanzo had requested I come get you and that's what I am doing."

The rest of the journey was made in companionable silence. Both men were worried about Sanzo, but kept their worries to themselves. Hikaru drowsed on and off and just as the sun was rising in the sky, Hakkai and Hikaru drove into the temple's courtyard. There was considerable excitement as several of the younger monks rushed out to greet them and assured the two of them that Sanzo was comfortable and sleeping at the moment. As they walked through the halls toward Sanzo's room, Hakkai's impatience at seeing his friend increased. He had never realized how long it took to reach Sanzo's room and it required all of his will power not to run ahead of the others. When he was finally in front of the door, Hakkai quietly opened it and prepared to step into Sanzo's room.

Gently Hikaru placed his hand on Hakkai's arm, delaying him for a moment. "We'll leave the two of you alone."

"Thank you," Hakkai said, and then he entered, closing the door behind him.

Hakkai leaned against the door, taking in the room. Sanzo had never been one for possessions; the room contained a desk and chair, a dresser for his clothes, and a bed. The only light in the room came from a small lamp resting on the desk. Someone, probably Hikaru, had pulled the desk's chair next to the bed.

The curtains were drawn and Hakkai could tell the window was closed because the room was overly warm and stuffy. Hakkai opened the window to allow some of the fresh air to gently blow in before he went over to the chair to sit down.

Cautiously Hakkai sat down on the chair. It was wooden and straight-backed and not very comfortable and Hakkai grimaced a little at the twinges in his body as he settled on it.

Carefully he took one of Sanzo's hands, so frail seeming. Had it only been just five days ago that Sanzo had been so full of life? It was as if once Sanzo had named Hikaru his successor, he had lost his will to live. Or, had it been that Sanzo's will to live had lasted until he had finally found a worthy successor? It didn't really matter to Hakkai which way it was, his friend was fading, and fast.

Calling a small amount of ki into his hands, he gently poured some of his warmth into Sanzo.

Sanzo stirred, his eyes slowly fluttered open, a look of surprise at the pleasant sensation was quickly replaced by anger as he realized the source. "I didn't ask you here to heal me," Sanzo grumbled, "so stop."

"I'm not healing you," Hakkai said, his face a mask hiding his emotions. The smile from days long gone was plastered on his face.

"And cut the shit," Sanzo said. "I don't want to die seeing that smile."

The smile fell away as quickly as it had appeared. "I'm not trying to heal you," Hakkai repeated, "I'm just giving you a little of my warmth to make you more comfortable. I knew when I saw Hikaru wearing the Maten Sutra that you wouldn't want to be healed."

"Damn right," Sanzo said. "They took away my alcohol and cigarettes, there's nothing left to live for."

At that statement, Hakkai let out a laugh. "Yes, Gods forbid that Sanzo should do without his beer and cigarettes."

Sanzo closed his eyes, a small grimace forming on his face before he managed to suppress the pain.

"Really, Sanzo," Hakkai said seriously. "Why didn't you tell me you were so ill when you visited?"

"I had things to do before I could even admit it to myself, Hakkai. I only regret that I have sentenced Hikaru to the life of a Sanzo, but of all of my students here, he is the most suited mentally and physically."

"He will do fine Sanzo. After all, he had a great teacher on how to be stubborn." The hint of a smile graced Hakkai's lips.

"The damned fool told you, didn't he?" Sanzo asked with a touch of amusement creeping into his voice. "When he told me of his name choice, I wanted to hit him with my fan for being such an idiot, but he's too old for the fan."

Hakkai chuckled. "Age never stopped you from hitting Goku or Gojyo, why would it stop you from hitting Hikaru?"

"I guess that a part of me was proud and honored that he chose to use Kouryuu." Sanzo hesitated a minute and then added, "Promise me Hakkai, that you will be there to help him when he needs it."

"Sanzo, you know I can't promise that."

"Hakkai, I need to know that he will have someone to turn to and maybe protect him if need be. Your ki still packs quite a punch. Besides, I want to make sure you don't kill yourself by over healing someone or overworking or not eating properly."

"Really Sanzo, this isn't necessary. I don't want you to worry about me at a time like this."

Sitting up, Sanzo yelled at Hakkai, "PROMISE ME!", and then he collapsed back onto the pillows that had been supporting him. His body shook with spasms of pain as he gasped for air from the exertion.

Horrified, Hakkai could do little more than provide a gentle flow of ki to help ease Sanzo's pain.

"Promise me," Sanzo whispered between his labored breathes. "It's important to me that you do. I know you won't go back on your word."

Hakkai shook his head, a slight grin on his face. "Even to the end you manage to force me to do something I would prefer not to. I will help Hikaru, uhm, Kouryuu for as long as I live and I will try not to risk my life. Is that promise enough?"

"I suppose that is the best promise I will get out of you," Sanzo said softly, "and it will do. I'm tired Hakkai. I'm going to sleep. Ask Kouryuu to have a room prepared for you so you can rest too."

"I think I'll just sit with you Sanzo, if you don't mind," Hakkai said, once again holding Sanzo's hand, warming it with soothing ki.

"Idiot. Do as you want." Sanzo sighed as he closed his eyes, his breathing evening out as his body relaxed under Hakkai's ministrations.

"Sanzo," Hakkai asked gently, "do you remember our battle with Nii?"

"Hmm?" Sanzo said so softly Hakkai could barely hear him. "Of course I do."

"Something happened that day, when I lay on the ground injured. I was dying…"

"Hakkai?"

"Sanzo, what's wrong?"

"There's light all around…so bright…so warm…"

"Light Sanzo?" Hakkai asked, knowing the answer but terrified at what it meant.

"Light and warmth…No pain…" Sanzo's breathing slowed even more. The hand Hakkai wasn't holding lifted from the bed as if to touch something only Sanzo could see. "Goku?" Sanzo asked and then his hand dropped onto the bed, his body took one last shuddering breath and was still.

"Sanzo," Hakkai said, the name was but a gentle breath of air from his lips. Hakkai knew Sanzo was dead but a part of him didn't want to accept it, wasn't ready to accept it. He poured his ki into Sanzo, knowing it was too late to help, but not caring. More, he kept thinking, just a little more. Shaking from the exertion, not caring that he was pushing himself toward his own death, Hakkai continued to drain his life energy in the hope of saving Sanzo. As his vision started to fade, he felt himself roughly shoved back onto the chair.

"Enough, Master Hakkai," Kouryuu said through his own tears, "enough. He's gone."

Opening his eyes, Hakkai gathered his meager remaining strength and looked at the young man standing so straight and strong in front of him.

"You're right," Hakkai said. "Our journey is finally over." Gently he moved Sanzo's arms, crossing them over his chest. Then, no longer caring who might see him, Hakkai lowered his head into his hands and allowed himself to cry. Wracking sobs tore from his body as he finally allowed himself to weep for Sanzo, Hakuuryu, Gojyo, Goku, Kanan, everyone he had ever killed, all the people he had been unable to save, but mostly for himself because for the first time in years he was truly alone.

6


	3. Chapter 3

The next several days passed slowly for Hakkai. First was Sanzo's wake, and then his funeral, with Kouryuu saying the Sutras. Kouryuu's voice wasn't as fine or as commanding as Sanzo's had been, but it was a good voice, strong and caring, a true believer in the Gods and their power, wisdom and charity. A small part of Hakkai wished he could believe in the omnipotence of the Gods as Kouryuu did, but he knew better. Next was Sanzo's cremation, and finally Kouryuu's official appointment as Sanzo. Hakkai moved through it all with little conscious thought. A final important part of his life was gone and he didn't really care what happened next. Hakkai ate only when Kouryuu reminded him to and slept much of the time he wasn't needed. His sleep was often interrupted by nightmares of the past.

Day after day, Kouryuu kept an eye on Hakkai's behavior, constantly trying to keep him occupied with the duties of the living. Finally, in an attempt to rouse Hakkai out of his apathy, on the fifth day after Sanzo's passing as they were eating dinner, Kouryuu said to him, "Master Hakkai, I need help going through Master Sanzo's personal belongings. He has a large trunk of mementos that I know he would have wanted you to keep and I would love to hear the story behind each item as we sort them out. He never really spoke much about your journeys."

"No, I'm sure he didn't," Hakkai said softly, almost to himself. "We both lost much during that time and we hardly ever spoke of it, even between ourselves. I believe I would like to tell you some of the stories, but I must warn you, there was nothing glamorous or glorious about our travels. What we did would seem overly brutal to many, but we did what we had to in order to survive and to complete the mission. When would you like to get started?"

"How about tomorrow morning," Kouryuu asked. "The Three Aspects have a mission for me in a few days and until then I have free time."

"Alright," Hakkai agreed, as he smiled his first smile in several days. "Sanzo was very fond of you, you know. Not that he would have ever told you, I'm sure."

"No, he never did, at least not in those exact words," Kouryuu said, "but I knew and he did always tell me I annoyed him the least of anyone he had ever known."

"High praise," Hakkai said with a chuckle, "since everyone annoyed Sanzo. I will be pleased to help you tomorrow," Hakkai said as he stood up from the communal dining table. "However, tonight I would like to try and get a good night's sleep. Good night Kouryuu, and to you too, gentlemen," Hakkai said to the monks that had been sitting close to them.

Since Sanzo's death Hakkai had been sleeping in Sanzo's room. It didn't bother him that Sanzo had died there; it just gave him the feeling of still being connected to his friend. A portion of Sanzo's ashes rested on the writing desk, waiting for the journey to their final resting place, the small altar in Hakkai's living room.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, dressed only in a pair of gray sweat pants and a long-sleeved black t-shirt, Hakkai reached under the pillow for the one keepsake of Sanzo's that he had known would be there. Up to the very end Sanzo had continued to sleep with his gun under his pillow.

For the fifth night in a row Hakkai took the gun out and held it in his hands. It would be so easy, he thought to himself, to just pull the trigger, to end it all, to be with his friends once again. Being alone hurt so much, more than he could remember, more than he thought he could bear. Only the responsibility of being there for Sanzo had kept him from doing it earlier, but with the funeral over and Kouryuu's appointment complete, the lure to end his life was increasingly stronger. 'So easy, so easy, so easy,' the little voice kept whispering in his head. Hakkai spun the cylinder of the gun. The clicks it made as it spun around were oddly soothing. Click, click, click. Mesmerized by the spinning, Hakkai brought the gun barrel up to his face, 'All the better to see it', he told himself. The gun fit so easily in his hand, the trigger was so responsive, it wouldn't take much to pull it, to end it all, to finally rest and be rid of all the pain he didn't want to feel any more. 'Just a little more,' he thought as he caressed the trigger, 'so close, just a little more, just a breath away.' Closing his eyes, Hakkai evened out his breathing. 'I'm ready," he thought, gently easing the trigger back.

Unbidden and unwanted, the image of Sanzo's final request rushed into his head. "Be there for Kouryuu," Sanzo had asked. "No," Hakkai moaned out loud, "I can't. I'm not strong enough to do this alone. I don't want the responsibility of another person."

"You promised, Hakkai," Sanzo's voice reminded him. "You promised," it hissed, weaving its way through Hakkai's mind.

The moment was broken. Slowly Hakkai lowered the gun to rest it in his lap. He was so tired, tired in both body and spirit, but he would keep his promise to Sanzo, just as Sanzo had known he would.

"Damn you, Sanzo, for making me promise to watch over Kouryuu. I will do it, as you knew I would."

Hakkai lay down on the bed, sliding the gun back under the pillow. The gun would be the first story he shared with Kouryuu in the morning, and then he would pass it on to him.

For the first time in days, sleep swiftly overtook Hakkai and he spent a dreamless night.

In the morning Hakkai woke refreshed. He dressed quickly and ate breakfast alone in the room. As he was finishing his second cup of coffee, there was a knock at the door.

"Master Hakkai, are you awake?" Kouryuu asked.

Opening the door, Hakkai couldn't help but smile at the young man in front of him. In his arms was a large wooden box. "Come on in," Hakkai told him. Hakkai took the box from Kouryu and sitting down on the bed he placed the box on the floor between his feet. Kouryuu sat down next to him.

Reaching under the pillow, Hakkai removed the revolver and passed it over to Kouryu. "I think that Sanzo would have liked you to have this. If you are going out on missions for the Three Aspects, you might have need for it. This gun is a banishing gun. When Sanzo first went out to retrieve the Seiten Sutra from the youkai that had stolen it and killed his Master Koumyou, Sanzo had the choice of any weapon he wanted from the weapons room at Kinzan Temple. He chose this gun. Not because it was a banishing gun, but because it fit in his hand well and was small enough that if he ever had to, he could easily use it on himself. Many would say that would be an act of cowardice, I feel it was a testament to Sanzo's stubbornness, his unwillingness to bow to anyone else's will."

Kouryuu turned the gun over in his hands, looking at it carefully. "I hope that I never have need for such a weapon, but if I learned anything from accompanying Master Sanzo on his missions, it was you should always be prepared for anything. Thank you." The gun then disappeared into Kouryuu's robes, just as it had once disappeared into Sanzo's.

With a sigh of relief, and glad to have that over with, Hakkai smiled as he now turned his attention over to the wooden box between his legs. "Well, now, let's see what things Sanzo kept. I must say, I'm curious to know what mementos are in here."

Bending over, Hakkai lifted the lid and peered inside. On the top was a package of Hi-Lite cigarettes. Hakkai brought them out with a quizzical look on his face.

"For as long as I can remember," Kouryuu explained, " on the 9th of November, Master Sanzo would buy a pack of these cigarettes, then in the evening he would sit on the window sill with the window wide open and smoke two of them. All the time he would complain how lousy they tasted, how only a red-headed cockroach could possibly enjoy them. I once asked him why he smoked them if he disliked them so much and he said the smoke was the incense he lit in order to remember an insufferable idiot. He would never explain any more than that."

Hakkai looked inside the pack. It must have been one of Gojyo's original packs, the paper wrappers inside had deteriorated until the tobacco leaves were loose and lying in the bottom. Hakkai took a sniff, but the leaves were so old and brittle, there was no scent left. For a minute Hakkai held the pack to his chest, the emotion he felt was so intense he didn't think he could continue looking through the box.

Sensing Hakkai's emotional turmoil, Kouryuu leaned over and picked up the next item on the top on the pile. "Ah," he said, "here's the lighter that must have gone with the cigarettes."

Hakkai reached over and took the lighter. It was one of Gojyo's Zippos. "You would have never believed how Sanzo and Gojyo used to fight over their lighters. I must have bought them one every single time I went shopping and they still managed to lose them or break them or run out of lighter fluid constantly. Then they would try to borrow the others' and the insults would fly and the fan would be used and then usually the loser would sulk and the winner would gloat. It didn't matter who the winner was, Sanzo or Gojyo, the two of them behaved exactly the same. They were more alike than they cared to admit. Two sides of the same coin, as a friend used to describe them. They really did act just like little children when it came to their cigarette lighters." Hakkai laid the cigarette pack and lighter on the bed. "Ok, let's see what is next."

Leaning over again, Hakkai brought out a map. Smiling, he opened it carefully. "I am amazed that this map is still in one piece after so many years. This is the first map we used when we started our journey. Here, you can see our little town." Hakkai pointed to a small, faded red circle on the map. "We got side-tracked so many times during the journey. It was easy to say, 'Head west.' but not so easy to do. There were always snow covered mountains to go over or around, deserts with their heat and sand to endure, rivers to cross and youkai attacks to fend off. Then when you throw in the scarcity of towns, it's a wonder we ever made it to our destination. Sanzo and I used to plot out our course on the map each time we got a new one, but there were countless times in the morning we simply set our sights away from the sun and rode off with it at our back."

Gently he folded the map back up and it joined the lighter and cigarette box on the bed.

"How did this get here?" Kouryuu asked as he pulled the next item out. "Only last week Master Sanzo still carried this around."

Hakkai looked at the broken paper fan that Kouryuu held in his hands.

"I can't believe Sanzo kept this. You say he carried this around until just recently?"

"Yes," Kouryuu said. "He used to take it out and hold it. Sometimes I'd swear he was squeezing it, like he was choking someone."

"More than likely he was trying to restrain himself from hitting someone with it. This fan was broken over the heads of Goku and Gojyo on the last night of our journey. We spent the night in a town close to Houtou Castle. We were all under a considerable amount of stress, of course. At dinner, Gojyo and Goku got into their normal battle over the food on the table and soon the whole restaurant was looking at us. Sanzo solved the argument by yelling and striking each of them repeatedly with the fan until it broke. For some reason this caused Gojyo to start laughing. The fan was so normal in our everyday life that it was a stress reliever and we all went up to our rooms feeling a little better about our chances the next day. I don't know about the others, but I didn't sleep at all that night. There were things I wanted to tell each of my friends, but I never did. I just kept running the conversations through my head all night, unable to get the courage up to tell them how much each of them meant to me. Then both Goku and Gojyo died the next day and the chance was gone forever. Too many things were always left unsaid between the four of us…"

"I'm sorry this is causing you so much pain Master Hakkai. Perhaps we should stop." Kouryuu said.

"No, I'm fine, really. You're right, it does hurt to remember, but it helps sharing the stories. And after feeling nothing the last several days, these emotions remind me I am alive."

With a sad smile, Hakkai reached into the box and removed the last two items.

"This Sanzo robe and the chest protector are in terrible shape and covered with blood. Are they from your final battle at Houtou Castle?" Kouryuu asked.

"No," Hakkai answered. "These are from two of our major battles, and both times we lost the first rounds. You can see the chest protector is sliced almost in half," Hakkai said, calling Kouryu's attention to the ragged slice down the front of the wooden chest plate. "This was done by The War Prince Homura's sword when he took the Maten Sutra from Sanzo. It took Sanzo days to recover from his injuries, even with my ki healing him. When Sanzo was finally well enough we proceeded to defeat Homura, but it wasn't an easy battle. We had unexpected allies to get us through some of the earlier encounters, but it was Goku who actually defeated Homura in the end. The robe is from our fight with Kami-sama. He was a young man Sanzo had met once in their youth and he was the disciple of Ukoku Sanzo, who we later found out was Nii Jen'ii. After our first defeat at Kami-sama's hands, it took Goku's wisdom to remind the rest of us to keep trying, and by working together we were finally able to defeat Kami-sama."

"That seems to be the last things," Kouryuu said, looking in the bottom of the box.

"I wonder what this small ribbon is," Hakkai said as he gave it a little tug upward. The base of the box popped up and under the false bottom rested a diary. Almost reverently Hakkai picked it up and flipped it open to the first page.

"What is it Master Hakkai?" Kouryuu asked.

"It is a journal Sanzo wrote after his return from our journeys. It opens with his arrival back to Chang'an Temple. I can't wait to start reading this."

"If you wouldn't mind, I would like to read it when you have finished."

"Of course," Hakkai said. "I know Sanzo meant a lot to you also and I am sure he would have liked you to read it too. Hmmm, this diary only covers one year. I wonder if there are others hidden in the temple."

With a smile Kouryuu said, "I guess searching for them will give us something to do when you come to visit in the future."

"That," Hakkai said, "and the fact that Sanzo said he had failed in his duty to teach you how to play mahjong. Something I will have to remedy in the near future."

"Master Hakkai," Kouryuu said hesitantly, "Just before his death Master Sanzo asked me to keep an eye on you, to make sure you were ok, but you seem more focused today than any day since his death."

"That's funny because before he died Sanzo made me promise to keep an eye on you, too. I guess he was worried about how the both of us would deal with his death. Sounds just like him too."

"Master Hakkai, the Three Aspects wants me to go on a mission for them to pick up some artifacts that had been stolen and were finally recovered. I would like to ask if you would accompany me there, and then I could drop you off in your village on the way back. This way we could discuss more about your journey."

"I would like that very much," Hakkai said with a smile, "but let's just make sure that this little road trip for the Three Aspects stays just that, a little road trip"

In all innocence, Kouryuu asked, "Why wouldn't it?"

Laughing, Hakkai looked at his watch and said, "It's lunch time. Let's go get something to eat and I will begin to tell you all about the little road trip that turned into a long, three year Journey to the West."

The End

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A/N 1: For some name spellings, Gojyo's birth date and lighter type, I used the trivia pages from The Journey to the West website. If you've never checked this website out, please go there and enjoy one of the best Saiyuki sites there is online. www dot madkukkii dot com slash Saiyuki slash Saiyuki dot html

A/N 2: I want to thank everyone who took the time to read this story. I am not usually the kind of person that reads death fics or attempted suicide ones…and here I am writing not only one but four stories dealing with the deaths of our favorite foursome. I think it is the emotions that attracted me to this idea and I hope I was able to convey them adequately through the stories. Of the four, I enjoyed writing this story the most, because in the end it holds the promise of peace for Hakkai. Also, I hope my OC, Hikaru/Kouryuu isn't an annoying one for anyone. I rather grew to like him. He was born out of the need to originally fill Sanzo's shoes as a Sanzo, but developed into the character that helped ground both Sanzo and then Hakkai. I would like to think that between Kouryuu, Hakkai's students and his duties to his village as an Elder that the last 10 years of Hakkai's life without Sanzo, while not necessarily happy, would have at least been fulfilling to him. Oh, and for anyone who might be interested, I believe that Gonou died for good when Hakkai made the choice not to kill himself, and to keep his promise to Sanzo. So here you have my little future universe for the guys, and thanks again for reading.

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